Why Am I Here?

Ah ha, F-ing Labels...

 

(Grrr...) Why are there are so many labels on this planet? Why? It helps humans associate with understanding other human beings. Give the unknowns a label which provides a helpful description. But why? Full disclaimer, I do not care what people have labeled me as. Why? I am a divine being in this human apparatus who reincarnated to this planet to share my gifts and experience life. I know that I am here to aid the spiritual and angelic realms and universal energies to see how humans would treat some of the pure love and light here to demonstrate peace in all their dealings as much as possible no matter what family, ancestral line I descended into, I am here to help heal the close minded and assist with opening the hearts and minds of those I encounter. I bring light into the darkness. I work with the light and the darkness and so do you if you choose to live a life of purpose.

 

My heart goes out to every human being on this planet. Everyone who thinks they don't have trauma; I'd love to see the road you traveled in this lifetime as well as all your past lives. For those who know they have carried trauma from past lives into this lifetime and those who work on healing themselves, I love the road you chose to travel because this is the road less traveled. It is the most difficult experience I have ever traveled. I have always remembered my WHY. Allowing myself to move between two worlds takes patience and love. Traveling between two worlds is a perfect way to balance humanistic ideals of life and death. The feeling of perfection is the feeling of love. To love takes patience. The patience I have comes from source energy. Moments when I seemed impatient were moments I wanted to be the change needed in the world. Traveling between worlds is fun because I get to help people heal on both planes.

 

In the beginning...

 

My life from birth felt like I was an actress in a movie…born to two humans who gifted me with the chance to reincarnate to this earth in this lifetime, neither of them knew that I would be a divine being here to share love, light, and peace with humanity. As a child I asked why more so than most because I sought to understand the human dynamics in their environment. My inner child is super curious and interested in learning the why behind everything which led to many life experiences of blessings and lessons. I have found that I fed my ego by having so many experiences which led to a hyper vigilant neurological response system that portrayed the character of an extremely toxic empath over time. I'm sure you're thinking... what has she been through in her 37 years on this planet? Well if you are ready to go down the rabbit hole, let us go and I'll see you on the other side...

 

My birth...

 

Can you imagine being told you were conceived during the movie Purple Rain? LMAO now but when I was told the story of the conception of my birth, I was like ew, yucky poopoo! However, Purple Rain is a favorite but only because I love Prince's music. Music and movies are what helped soothe me when I was alone. I use to ask my parents for siblings so I would have someone to share music and movies with which happened much later. I always thought I had a twin that I was separated at birth from and my parents always denied it but I couldn't help feeling as though I was always missing another part of me like my other half. My stuffed animals and Barbie dolls kept me content along with books. I loved reading and writing and my parents made sure I was perfect at all the things required to be called a responsible person! I would read a few books and then provide my parents with a summary. Childhood seemed so fun until I started school. Perhaps I blocked out the things I was unable to be perfect at completing because I was in my own little bubble most of the time trying to behave like a good little girl.

 

Being a child of a divorced couple and gaining step parents was jarring. I would think to myself what role do I play when I'm at dads house and is it different from the role I play at moms house? Who am I to be when I am at my grandparents house? I felt like I went from knowing who I am to having to be someone different around the various group of people in my environments. Quite confusing for a child but I managed. I didn't ask. I saw I needed to be whatever my environment called for... a perfect child, seen not heard, good grades, always do what I am told, be helpful, clean up messes regardless if I made them, etc. I felt when I did something wrong, and received punishment that I was being imperfect and that others would not care for me if I didn't do what I was asked or told. I didn't feel any of this was healthy but I chose to do this because I didn't know what an alternative was at the time. It wasn't until I was molested in third grade by a friend of the family's son that I realized there are situations that could hurt me internally more than externally, but I couldn't discuss it because it would possibly cause unwanted fiction between family and friends. It wasn't that I didn't want to speak up, it was that I didn't believe anyone would trust me if I spoke up. What is trust I always wondered. Why? Well I use to feel unwell a lot which I thought was because I was born early. I was a premature birth. My parents told me that the doctor told my mother and father that my birth could cause either my mother or myself to die and my father told the doctor to save us both. So I never wanted to be a extra burden to any of my family and I spoke up on something's but not the things that would have made a difference in my upbringing. (Sigh...) But you don't know what you don't know and sadly I wouldn't figure this out until I began writing this memoir to myself as a means to heal foundational wounds and subconscious trauma.

 

After the incident in third grade, the universe must have known I needed to be saved and I asked for a miracle and indeed received a baby sister. I was thrilled. Incident out of sight and out of mind. Til that moment, I wasn't sure if I believed in God but when my mother asked if I wanted to go live with my dad, I felt it was God answering my prayers. I must say, being born in Kansas to growing up in Chicago and then Alabama to moving back to South Carolina wasn't easy. I felt I was a different character at every location. Not because I had to be but because it became easy to live as a chameleon. I suppose watching all those movies also taught me how to survive in all these situations and locations. The fact that I was able to play a new role was even better in a new environment!

 

The awkward years...

 

From elementary to middle school was harder than being an adult. So many experiences that I would not wish on a demon happened during these years. Looking back, I see why I wished to grow up fast. No child should have to feel suffering I use to think to myself. Had someone told me as a child that life is happening for me not to me would have provided some much needed relief and clarity.

 

I enjoyed many daycares! Back rubs during nap time listening to when you wish upon a star was my favorite. I learned to speak Spanish and excelled in all my class work and have the receipts to prove it. I loved school, but being a light skinned black girl in Alabama in the 90's was trying to say the least. I first experienced racism directly at daycare and elementary school. I was bullied by my own race because I was the only light skinned person claiming to be black. None of the black kids cared to hang out with me so I hung out with the Caucasian kids. But none of the Caucasian kids were allowed to hang out with me outside of school because I'm black. I had my cousins to spend time with occasionally and one black friend I made in third grade which was also when I had my first black teacher. I also had four black friends through my mom's coworkers. Even with the small circle of people I could call friends, I was always the odd ball because I didn't think or act like any of them. I felt I was always trying to figure out what was so odd about me that I had no real friends or people who wanted to genuinely be around me. I thought maybe I smelled bad or something so I picked up the habit of bathing twice a day and wearing lots of perfume. I would wear hair styles that black people wear like braids. I would wear long sleeves and pants often to hind my skin tone. Nothing worked except acclimating to my environments.

 

Hence the breaking point of third grade... I remember the night it happened clear as day. I went to a friends house while our parents went to hang out. It was a pretty large group of kids at this friends house and we got bored and decided to play a game I never heard of til this night. I'll never forget the first and last time playing... hide and go get it. I was like, "hide and seek?!" "Yeah, sure," someone said. As I hid behind the cough in the basement, my friends older brother and some of his friends played with the younger kids. As I was behind the cough, a boy came and hide beside me. He may not have known my age, and thought I was older than I was and decided to show his affection for me I suppose by putting his hands in my pants and grabbing my private. I was in shock and unprepared for what to say or do in this situation. So I ran from the boy after pushing him off me and kicking him. What happens felt wrong because I didn't ask him to touch me. No conversation transpired and I recall just being pissed that it happened. I ran upstairs into one of the bedrooms and cried then found a mini bottle and drank it. It eased the pain and confusion for a moment. Then, everything went blank. It was like I jumped a timeline because all I remember was my great grandfather passing from a stroke, my godmother passing from cancer, and my baby sister being born. Then, I moved to South Carolina. All in one year!

 

(Whew...) Now that I got that off my chest, I'm sure you're wishing I would elaborate, and perhaps I will later. For now let's move into the joys of being a southern Methodist/Baptist girl.

 

Check out how I found common ground...next Friday!